Letter to J

Dear J

Or shall I call you mate? Because you hate that :-) I am sorry I sent you that message on Facebook on Thursday night. I was very drunk. Which I am very annoyed about but there you go, we both know I don't have any self control else why would I still be with you?

It is Easter. Being a good Catholic boy I expect you are spending lots of time with the family, celebrating the resurrection of Christ. Last thing you need is drunken, senseless message from me. I am sorry, and I promise not to do it again.

I was Googling Catholicism yesterday. Curiosity. Trying to understand you better. Trying to understand why "Catholics only marry once" like you always say. It was scary stuff. I grew up in a religious Christian family, and I have always been taught that marriage should be for life, however I also know that sometimes marriages break up, people get divorced and whilst not ideal this is not a mortal sin. Divorced people are accepted in the church, and yes they can re-marry!

The Catholic church really does want you to be married for ever.

Strange thing happened while I was doing my research. I actually started worrying about your soul and the impact of what we are doing. I have never really thought about Fiona, she's just there in the background, oblivious. I don't ask you about her, because I don't want to know because the more I know the more obsessive I might become.

But I'm starting to feel guilty. The woman loves you. She married you for life, had your children (she had her tubes tied when she met you for heaven's sake). What happens if she finds out? Being a good Catholic woman she is not going divorce you (especially not given how hard it is in your church) - she won't want to break up what seems like the perfect little family on the surface.

Never thought I'd feel guilty. After all, I'm not cheating on anyone. I didn't throw myself at you, I am not actively trying to break up your marriage. Nothing like that.

But I was child of divorce and it's not nice. My father was a prat though, and I never saw much of him growing up, and child support wasn't seemingly in his vocabulary. So why would I want to risk creating yet another broken home.

Would we still be together if you were single? I don't know. There is the age difference. Different interests - you like to spend time with your family, I like to go to raves. So if she did leave you, where would that leave us? I don't think there is a fairy tale ending here, do you?

I know I told you I loved you this week. And I meat it. But now I am thinking that it needs to end. But being weak willed and lacking of any self control I know I'm not going to do it.

Anyway, hope you enjoy your weekend with your family. I'll be missing you.

Love
Me

Playing second fiddle

So I found a man who loves me. And I love him. A lot. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up, last thing I think about before I fall asleep. My day is not complete if I don't see him or speak to him.

But he is married. And that sucks. Because he is also catholic. So he'll never leave her. And he's been 100% clear about that from the start.

What to do? Breaking it off would be devastating. Especially as we work in the same office and I'd still see him all the time. I am so weak willed, I know this. It's going to end in tears, probably mine. I've already cried about him (and I don't cry). Admittedly there was lots of alcohol involved but even so.

I googled Catholicism and adultery tonight. Don't know why. It wasn't good news. Now I'm worried about his soul as well. That's a lot of responsibility to bear.

I haven't really felt guilty up to now. I didn't lead him on, didn't seduce him.  I'm single so not cheating on anyone. He's an adult, he needs to live with the choices he makes. But now I wonder. Am I a terrible person? If I was an outsider would I judge me?

Darn it. How did I get here?