Sunday evening blues

Seven stages of grief. Or is it twelve? Who knows. I'm going through anger at the moment. Fuck you Fiona. If you fucked your husband a bit more often maybe he wouldn't have started speaking to me. Fuck you. Just fuck you.

Lovely summer day

I'm lying here in the gorgeous sunshine and normally I'd feel incredibly content with life, feeling the sun baking my skin, listening to music. But I'm not sure there is much to be content about.  Three years of my life. What opportunities have I missed? Would I have tried harder at internet dating? Gone out more? Perhaps had a proper relationship?

Knowing me probably not but still. I'm almost 33 and what do I have? Fuck all. My life is fucked up and I blame you for not being able to keep it in your fucking pants. Why the fuck did you start talking to me? You fucked up not only three years of my life but you have mentally fucked me over for life.

I will never trust any man. But you? You will go back to your perfect fucking family and it'll be like I was never part of your life. Wonderful. Just fucking marvellous.

Hope it was worth it for you. Fuck you Julian. Just fuck you.

And so it ends

They say all good things must come to an end. It's true. Doesn't always end when you want it to, or when it should. Fate sometimes intervenes in the most astonishing ways. I'm angry. I didn't want it to end yet.

But I'm also relieved. Because maybe this means I can finally move on with my life. Although every fear I've had for the last three years might come true. I might never find love again. I might never have mind blowing sex again.

I feel numb. I think I should feel more sad but mostly I just feel numb. Mostly I just want this massive big hole in my life to close and to go back to normal. But what is normal? Working 12 hours a day? Spending all my free time studying? Waiting for a magical love affair to find me but never venturing outside my comfort zone to help fate along?

I am definitely my mother's child. Totally bonkers in the head. Why would I ever have thought having an affair is something I'm mentally equipped to handle.

J. I told you I loved you. And maybe in the beginning I did. Or thought I did. But in the end you were merely a representation of a fantasy and bloody good sex. I never would want you to leave Fiona for me. I could not imagine introducing you to any of my friends and I think I'd be ashamed to introduce you to my family.

That's a terrible thing to say I know.

I've spent the last few months trying to prove to you that you didn't love me. I think you were getting there quite quickly.  It was an eye opener for me too. I really wanted to believe you loved me but in the end it was nothing but sex. Which would have been fine if you hadn't filled my head with ideas about love. Totally fucked with my head you did.

And part of me hates you for that. Because before you I had so many ideological notions about love. But now I don't think I could ever trust a man again. If you could cheat on a wife you love dearly and who loves you, what makes me think the next man I'm with wouldn't cheat on me?

I hope things settle for you and you live happily ever after. Or maybe I don't. I don't know yet, I'm a mix of very tired and just numb. And also very very tired.

I'm going to try and sleep now although I'm sure that's a hopeful notion. I'm sorry you ever started talking to me. My life could have turned out so differently.

Letter to G

Dear G

Why do you torture yourself thinking about things which are not meant to be? You are not perfect. But you do have a lot going for you. 

One day you will find a man who will adore you for everything you are. But in the meantime why allow your heart to be broken by a man that has never been yours, and never will be.

It's going to be hard. You will see him every day. But in the long run it's better for you. You can still be friends. He will always have a special part of your heart. He changed you in ways you didn't think possible. 

But you and he are not meant to be. Not in this lifetime anyway. Who knows, maybe in some parallel universe you met in different circumstances and are now producing gorgeous babies with his cheekbones and your eyes.

Do it for yourself. You deserve better. This is the advice you would give to your best friend, why not take it yourself.

Love who you are and do what is best for you. Don't hang on to a fantasy that is guaranteed to end in heartache. 

You deserve to be happy every day, not just occasionally when you can be fitted in for an hour or two.

Go to bed and sleep. And in the morning put this all behind you. It will be a new day. Full of new opportunities.

Sleep tight. I love you.

Letter to Fi

Fiona

I knew it was inevitable that we meet one day. It was unavoidable given I live just outside of Reigate and we go to the same gym. I knew it would probably be hard to meet you, although I never really knew how I would feel.

For such a long time you were not a real person. I tried not to think of you and when J mentioned you in conversation I was very quick to change the topic. Then came a time when I decided to face reality and made a conscious effort of asking about you, and not denying your existence. This in no way made things any easier emotionally, although it did at least get my unwilling heart to accept that no matter what happens you would always be married to J and all I would end up with is a broken heart.

Still you were not a real person.

I tried to convince myself that the thing with J was just sex. If it was just sex then it would be so much easier - not just because it would be easier to walk away from, but also because it would be easier to justify. That sounds weird doesn't it? But ultimately men will be men. You don't give him sex, he will go looking for it elsewhere. I fulfill a basic need, nothing more nothing less. This is the theory. And by golly I wish I could convince my heart and soul that it was just sex.

It is not. I am deeply in love with him. He is an amazing man. You are very very lucky to have him. He has made me want things I never really thought I wanted. Marriage, kids, a proper family. That is all very well and good, but I want those things with him. I cannot imagine them with any other man. I actually have fantasies about dating other blokes and still seeing him on the side as I quite literally cannot imagine my life without him.

It has to end sometime. I know this, I always have. In the very first conversation I had with him he told me that Catholics married for life, and he will always be married. He's never made me any promises, and I never had any expectations, but somehow this does not stop the heart from hoping for some miracle. Although frankly I don't know what that would entail. Not like you'd magically stop existing.

But I tried not to think about how it would end, or when or why. Head in sand mentality. I convinced myself that I was quite satisfied with the crumbs from your table. Because let's face it - you may only have sex once a month, but you still have the best of him. You wake up to him every morning. You get to hug him whenever you want. You get to listen to his boring football stories. You get to go on family days out with the kids to the pool. You play board games and say he gets sex if he wins (although that doesn't happen).

Yes, I spend lots of time with him at work. But it's hardly what you would call quality time. And sometimes he comes round mine, but it's a couple of hours at most. And it is so hard afterwards.

But yes, I convinced myself the arrangement suited me. Fairly regular sex with a man I adored until my Mr Right finally showed up.

And then I met you. In person. And it was harder than I could ever imagine. Not at the time though. When it happened I thought it was fine. I really did. But then with every passing day it just got harder. This is in large part due to not being at work. I have two weeks off to study for exams next week so I have a lot more time than normal to obsess and think, think and obsess.

You just seem like such a nice person. And no this does not really surprise me, I always suspected that you would be. But again, it suddenly just became real. And I watched you in the gym talking to J. I think if there was any sign of physical contact I would have thrown up, but there is undoubtedly a closeness between you that can only come from 14 years of marriage.

I asked J whether he thought it was weird introducing me to you. He said yes. He also said that if there was any chance of the two of us becoming friendly it would have to stop. I told him there is no chance of that happening. Although quite bizarrely I think we'd get on very well. I will not however try to create a friendship with you. That would just be the most horrible thing in the world.

I can't stop thinking about you. I feel physically sick most of the day. Yesterday the tears came, and it was like a flood. I don't know if the feelings are guilt or sorrow. Sorrow for what I can never have. Sorrow for a heart break just waiting to happen.

I am scared. I love J. I worry that I will never love another man in the same way. I worry that no man will ever make me feel loved in the same way. I am clinging on desperately because of this. The rational part of my brain, or what is left of it, knows I am just prolonging the inevitable, I will cause myself even more hurt and of course now that I have met you the risk of you finding out is just much higher.

I wish I was a stronger person than I am. I wish I could do the right thing and end it. But I can't.

So what is going to be the outcome of this? I really don't know. But I wish I could turn back time. When I started chatting to J and I realised (despite every fibre of my body wishing it was not so) that he was married I should have given myself a talking to and moved on.

I am sorry. Sorry for you. Sorry for myself. Mostly sorry for myself. Because as I said before - despite it all you still have the best of him. You will get to grow old with him. You will watch your children get married, have grandchildren together, retire together. I will not. I may never find the love of my life. Yes, I am only 30 but as you know, it just gets harder and harder from here. And quite frankly, the way I feel now I do not want to have anything to do with a man for a long long time.

I was hoping that writing this all down would help me feel better. Stop all the thoughts from spinning round and round in my head. But I don't think it has. My stomach is still in knots. Studying won't be very productive today either. But I don't care about exams at the moment. I just want to feel normal again.

But maybe I don't deserve to feel normal again. Maybe that is just my penance.

I will speak to you again soon Fiona. This is not the end of the saga, I just know it.

Bluebell

Letter to J

Dear J

Or shall I call you mate? Because you hate that :-) I am sorry I sent you that message on Facebook on Thursday night. I was very drunk. Which I am very annoyed about but there you go, we both know I don't have any self control else why would I still be with you?

It is Easter. Being a good Catholic boy I expect you are spending lots of time with the family, celebrating the resurrection of Christ. Last thing you need is drunken, senseless message from me. I am sorry, and I promise not to do it again.

I was Googling Catholicism yesterday. Curiosity. Trying to understand you better. Trying to understand why "Catholics only marry once" like you always say. It was scary stuff. I grew up in a religious Christian family, and I have always been taught that marriage should be for life, however I also know that sometimes marriages break up, people get divorced and whilst not ideal this is not a mortal sin. Divorced people are accepted in the church, and yes they can re-marry!

The Catholic church really does want you to be married for ever.

Strange thing happened while I was doing my research. I actually started worrying about your soul and the impact of what we are doing. I have never really thought about Fiona, she's just there in the background, oblivious. I don't ask you about her, because I don't want to know because the more I know the more obsessive I might become.

But I'm starting to feel guilty. The woman loves you. She married you for life, had your children (she had her tubes tied when she met you for heaven's sake). What happens if she finds out? Being a good Catholic woman she is not going divorce you (especially not given how hard it is in your church) - she won't want to break up what seems like the perfect little family on the surface.

Never thought I'd feel guilty. After all, I'm not cheating on anyone. I didn't throw myself at you, I am not actively trying to break up your marriage. Nothing like that.

But I was child of divorce and it's not nice. My father was a prat though, and I never saw much of him growing up, and child support wasn't seemingly in his vocabulary. So why would I want to risk creating yet another broken home.

Would we still be together if you were single? I don't know. There is the age difference. Different interests - you like to spend time with your family, I like to go to raves. So if she did leave you, where would that leave us? I don't think there is a fairy tale ending here, do you?

I know I told you I loved you this week. And I meat it. But now I am thinking that it needs to end. But being weak willed and lacking of any self control I know I'm not going to do it.

Anyway, hope you enjoy your weekend with your family. I'll be missing you.

Love
Me

Playing second fiddle

So I found a man who loves me. And I love him. A lot. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up, last thing I think about before I fall asleep. My day is not complete if I don't see him or speak to him.

But he is married. And that sucks. Because he is also catholic. So he'll never leave her. And he's been 100% clear about that from the start.

What to do? Breaking it off would be devastating. Especially as we work in the same office and I'd still see him all the time. I am so weak willed, I know this. It's going to end in tears, probably mine. I've already cried about him (and I don't cry). Admittedly there was lots of alcohol involved but even so.

I googled Catholicism and adultery tonight. Don't know why. It wasn't good news. Now I'm worried about his soul as well. That's a lot of responsibility to bear.

I haven't really felt guilty up to now. I didn't lead him on, didn't seduce him.  I'm single so not cheating on anyone. He's an adult, he needs to live with the choices he makes. But now I wonder. Am I a terrible person? If I was an outsider would I judge me?

Darn it. How did I get here?