They say all good things must come to an end. It's true. Doesn't always end when you want it to, or when it should. Fate sometimes intervenes in the most astonishing ways. I'm angry. I didn't want it to end yet.
But I'm also relieved. Because maybe this means I can finally move on with my life. Although every fear I've had for the last three years might come true. I might never find love again. I might never have mind blowing sex again.
I feel numb. I think I should feel more sad but mostly I just feel numb. Mostly I just want this massive big hole in my life to close and to go back to normal. But what is normal? Working 12 hours a day? Spending all my free time studying? Waiting for a magical love affair to find me but never venturing outside my comfort zone to help fate along?
I am definitely my mother's child. Totally bonkers in the head. Why would I ever have thought having an affair is something I'm mentally equipped to handle.
J. I told you I loved you. And maybe in the beginning I did. Or thought I did. But in the end you were merely a representation of a fantasy and bloody good sex. I never would want you to leave Fiona for me. I could not imagine introducing you to any of my friends and I think I'd be ashamed to introduce you to my family.
That's a terrible thing to say I know.
I've spent the last few months trying to prove to you that you didn't love me. I think you were getting there quite quickly. It was an eye opener for me too. I really wanted to believe you loved me but in the end it was nothing but sex. Which would have been fine if you hadn't filled my head with ideas about love. Totally fucked with my head you did.
And part of me hates you for that. Because before you I had so many ideological notions about love. But now I don't think I could ever trust a man again. If you could cheat on a wife you love dearly and who loves you, what makes me think the next man I'm with wouldn't cheat on me?
I hope things settle for you and you live happily ever after. Or maybe I don't. I don't know yet, I'm a mix of very tired and just numb. And also very very tired.
I'm going to try and sleep now although I'm sure that's a hopeful notion. I'm sorry you ever started talking to me. My life could have turned out so differently.
